Looking Back at Becoming an Empty Nester: How it Went (And How It’s Going!)

When my husband and I were in the thick of parenting young children, the idea of them growing up and moving away seemed impossibly far away. Life is all-consumingly busy during the season of parenting littles, and I’ll be the first to admit there are days when you long for the time when the kids are older and things finally settle down.

Well, like my beloved sister-in-law always said, ‘don’t blink’ because it will be here in no time.

Before I knew it, my boys were grown and moving out, and it was time for my husband and I to reimagine our home. After 20 years of living in service of others, it was time for us to create a home that served our specific needs. This looks different for everyone, but here is what we did and how it felt.

Sorting Through Their Rooms

Some people leave their kid’s rooms exactly as is, and that works for them. We had a different perspective and had plans for both of our kids’s rooms; one would be a guest room, one a workout room.

Don’t misunderstand, the most important thing for me was that they both know that this is always their home, and they can always stay in their rooms  whenever they want. Christmas, Thanksgiving and every possible holiday in between!

Stuff Left Behind, But Not Forgotten!

That said, just like pregnancy nesting, once my kids were out of their rooms, I felt a strong urge to deep clean, organize and pack away the things they left behind.

In fact, when one of my boys moved out, he left so much behind, there was a ton for me to go through and deal with. So much so, I told him he wasn’t getting his security deposit back – no joke!

While my husband started painting the room, I sorted and categorized everything he left behind, labeled it and stored it in his closet. I felt like I was with an invisible client!

Over the years, the items in the closet have been whittled down, bit by bit, when he is over for visits. There is space in the closet, so I don’t stress over it. When he gets married or buys a home, anything left will be lovingly delivered to his doorstep for him to do with as he pleases.

Off to save the world!

His room was painted within 24 hours, furniture was ordered, and it is now our official guest room. It’s one of my favorite rooms in our home and he still stays in it when he spends the night.

The week our younger son moved out we had a Murphy bed custom designed and built, and moved my exercise bike and weights into his room. I use that room every single day. It’s one of my happy places.

I smile when I enter both rooms. I can still visualize the rooms as they were when they were young kids and through their teenage years. I think of them every day when I walk in those spaces. But, it is the next chapter, and that’s ok. Not just ok actually; I think it’s pretty awesome.

The Emotions: The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

I tend to get super reflective about the empty nester topic, even now. For me, the emotions started the week of their graduations from high school and college, and again when I was alone in their rooms after they moved out. I replayed conversations, events, seasons of their childhood. I laughed out loud and I cried too. I sometimes obsessed over something I had hoped would have worked out differently.

I wondered if they felt like they had happy childhoods. Did we advocate enough for them? Did we do too much for them? Do they know how much we love them and how proud of them, as individual humans, we really are?

I prayed that God would protect them and that they would lean into Him and walk with Him.

I prayed for help when I would start spinning. Even recently, years later, I found myself ‘wondering’ (aka worrying) while on a walk with my husband about something that has lingered in my mind for a decade. And my prayer was answered. I shared this concern of mine, and my husband was able to reframe it for me in such a way that I now view it differently. See, sometimes we worry that the conflicts are damaging, but does conflict mean something isn’t perfect? Conflict is part of life. Resolving it and moving past it is where the lesson lies. And I think that’s an important distinction.

What I Now Understand About The Living Space

No dancing around it…the house is neater and easier to keep tidy without the kids around. Over time you realize that the mess and chaos wasn’t so bad after all. It was never something to stress over, although it seemed overwhelming at times. Time provides prospective – always.

How The Budget Changed

When your kids move out, it’s like getting a raise! Our grocery budget went down dramatically. Although I love to cook, I no longer felt the need to do so five nights a week. My husband also loved the idea of not having a big cleanup (I wash, he dries – I know – he’s a gem!). So we tend to keep it simple. A nice perk: we drink nicer wines whenever we open a bottle, not just on special occasions.

Not to Mention…The Marriage!

Hanging out with your adult kids is pretty cool!

In fact, both of our boys have remarked about how much fun we are having. It was important to us to nurture our marriage while raising the kids, in preparation for this moment. My father-in-law always said that every action in a marriage, each day, can either bring you closer together, or further apart. Those were wise words to consider as we moved through the chapters of our relationship. And they hold true today as well.

This is our time once again. It doesn’t mean that we didn’t love every moment with our kids under our roof. It doesn’t mean that we don’t miss them each and every day and that we don’t think about them and pray for them all the time. They know this too.

I think they enjoy seeing us have fun. I think it’s a good for them to see that marriage is important and that it gets better as it ages.

Our Hope For the Future

Our home has been a blessing to the four of us. The times and moments we have had shaped who each of us is. We pray that it is always a comfortable place for them to land and that we are blessed with grandchildren who think of it as their second home as well.

The hope is that we taught them well, that we provided good examples for them in the ways we parented and lived (which includes the struggles and hard times too), and that they still want to hang out with us as they get older too.

As parents, our job is to raise responsible, independent adults. So, although the empty nest may feel like a loss in some ways, it means you did your job well!